You may recall me saying that giving and receiving are a process, two sides of the same coin. It’s a misconception that in the process one person gives while the other receives. Both parties are giving and receiving: as the giver gives whatever is being offered, the giver receives many things such as feelings of joy and fulfillment and a sense of purpose. These come because the receiver gave the giver the opportunity to give. But what if the gift is refused?
Working with caregivers, I occasionally hear of situations where their offers of service were not welcomed. This may happen when an adult child has requested care for an aging parent, but the parent resists being helped. It could be that the senior doesn’t want to acknowledge the decline they’re experiencing, or they may feel their privacy is being violated by having someone come into their home to assist them. Other times, it’s not the help that’s being rejected, but the particular caregiver who may be filling in for the one who usually helps.
In my workshops, when I bring up the topic of failed attempts to give, the discussion gets very animated. Sadly, most people have experienced having their offers to give thwarted. When this happens, these would-be givers aren’t able to receive the sense of satisfaction and purpose they’d hope to get. It’s important, though, to put these incidents into perspective as we may become hesitant to try to give in the future. I remember my mother’s wise advice to me along these lines when I was first married. She told me to never turn down my husband’s offer of help, as he would soon stop offering if I did!
Should you have your gift refused, don’t take it personally. Keep the words of Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements, in mind – other people’s behavior is never about you; it’s always about themselves. The message that it’s better to give than to receive is a powerful one that many of us were raised to hold as gospel. You never know what negative feelings your intended receiver is misguidedly trying to avoid. They may fear being indebted to you or appearing weak and needy in your eyes. If it’s help that’s being turned down, it could be they derive their sense of self-worth from being independent, and your innocent offer has them questioning their self image.
Whatever their motivation, it’s very likely that they haven’t thought about it from your perspective. They’ve failed to realize that in accepting your offer they’d be giving you a wonderful gift. That said, why not save your gift for someone who will receive it, and instead give them the benefit of the doubt. Move on, remembering another well-worn platitude about giving: it’s not the gift, but the thought that counts.